Sunday

My day started about 5:30 this morning. I woke up around 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I got a lot done in my room - putting things away and organizing. I just returned home from a long studying binge. I spent most of my time at The Loft, a new restaurant in downtown Edmonds. It was my first visit. It has warm ambience to it. The food looks scrumptious. They're open late every night, so it will probably become a favorite studying spot. Many restaurants in Edmonds aren't very conducive to studying and a lot aren't open late, especially on a Sunday. Even Tully's closes early. I refuse to go to Starbucks. I think it's an abomination for such a commercialized business to sit in the heart of my little hometown, that more and more resembles the eastside with office buildings and condos.

I've thought about running for city council. When I was a teenager, and voiced the changes I didn't like the changes happening then, my friend Dixie said she would vote for me if I ran for mayor. Unfortunately, it's much more difficult to undo what's already been done. I also went to the Red Twig for the first time, a pleasant little coffee house (with good tea).

I joined a Yahoo group called WOWS, Women of West Seattle, recommended to me by a woman I teamed with for our canvassing Seattle neighborhoods. It's a lesbian group, but not like a personals type of thing. Women post events or even ask if other women want to get together for lunch. Not entirely sure about my sexuality, I thought it would be a good way to become more involved in the LGBT community. I feel like I have to choose between one or the other, which I know isn't true. I tell myself that I have the right to enjoy the company of both sexes, even at the same time if I want (; . I thought about telling her I'm straight, but I wouldn't be entirely truthful. I've had more sexual experiences with men than women, "Queenie" (or Momma I call her) the only woman I've been with. Speaking of which, she still isn't speaking to me. Diego and I reconnected. They're going through an excruciating time right now trying to hold onto their business, and their house, and not making any money. Even tho Momma isn't talking to me, I'd still give them the money if I had it. I wonder what my parents think since I haven't been down there in so many months. They haven't asked and I really don't want to talk about it. I don't think they do either. I wonder if that's a reason why she's keeping her distance, even tho she seemed a bit relieved when I told them - that they know now about the three of us.

I know this sounds very selfdeprecating and like self-pity, however, I wonder if there's anything about me that deters "friends." Momma I know why, although this is the longest I think we've gone without talking to each other since our relationship began. I reconnected with this family I grew up with, and at first we did a bunch of things together, and now no one will return calls or emails. I suggest we go out and never hear from them. My "mom" from that family is also Carmen. They are all very busy though, my younger "sisters" are all young, working mothers and Carmen goes to school and I think works full time. There is Dee, my mom's best friend. I used to call her mainly to talk about my mother. She helped me understand some things about her, and gave me insight, and I don't think anyone knows her as well. Then Dee wrote me an email that she didn't want me to call her anymore and to find someplace else to print any papers I needed to (now we have a printer). I only asked her twice to print a paper. So, she's pretty much a dick in my book. And I get to see her this Friday! My parents and I ran into her granddaughter at the casino I walked home from, and my mom thought it would be a great idea for us to get together. Of course Carmen has no idea what Dee said to me. I want mom to have a friend. She's so bad about not keeping in contact with people. She says she's too busy, but that's a load of crap. There will always be something that needs to be done, and it's not like she hardly spends every waking hour doing something. I called another friend, Michele, a couple times and never hear back from her. I texted another friend, Aaron, who hasn't responded. The only time I ever talk to Ginny is if I call her, and regardless of how many messages I leave her, I never get a call back. Then there's Jesse. We reconnected almost two years ago after no contact for four years or so, and he always promised me we would get together, but that hasn't happened yet. I think I was too eager at first and that turned him off. I had a huge crush on him way back and all those feelings came surging forth when I saw him again. He did invite me to a show he's doing (he's a musician) this Wednesday, however. All of his other friends will be there too, and his girlfriend I'm sure. I feel like I'm diseased. I'm very self-concious about my body and don't go out all that much, so other people may pick up on low self-esteem. Or maybe it's happening to make room for new friends.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." ~C.S. Lewis