Is it really better to have loved and lost?

It's a quarter after three and I just received a call from Diego. I figured it was one of his late night drunk calls, which I was right. Luckily I was still awake. However, I wasn't prepared for what he had to tell me. Since Queenie stopped talking to me, he and I carried on a close friendship - tell each other that we miss each other and love each other, and sometimes more...and he told me she's been reading our emails this whole time. That blew me away. No wonder he was drunk. What we did was wrong....but because she turned a cold shoulder to me she thought we'd stop loving each other? I was surprised that she could turn her feelings for me off so quickly. I guess it shows that they really weren't there to begin with. Just her little toy. I did talk to her for a minute, and asked her why she read through all of our emails. "I didn't think you would have anything to hide." Of course you and I know that's a bunch of bullshit. Then she added "Because he's my husband." I'd like to think that even if I suspected my husband was up to no good, that I would never invade his privacy like that. What did she think would happen? All three of us were in a romantic relationship, and she ends it on a dime. I take responsibility for half of that. I didn't want the relationship to end, but I had a major meltdown, causing all sorts of drama that she detests, and it wasn't my first or second, or even third one. She had enough. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I would hope that this woman that I love and was in love with, and who loved me (and I think at one point she was in love), would be more understanding. But maybe I'm asking too much. She "understood" too many times. If she really loved me, then how could she just turn it off like that? I was still mad at her for treating me the way she did, but I loved her and if she wanted me she could have me. I thought I didn't love her anymore, but since I'm crying I guess I do. I know she'll never forgive me. I'm also crying because I know I brought so much havoc into their lives. I got her a sweatshirt from SU, where she also went, that I guess I can take back on Monday.

Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone throws you a shovel.