Pearl

October 4th. Janis Joplin died 39 years ago today. She would be 66. My favorite musician. A woman I find highly erotic. My mother got her two kittens today. She named them Pearl and Presley (Elvis being her idol), by my suggestion. I almost never feel any compassion for my mother, despite her sufferings and health problems. Most of the time I despise her. Sometimes I wish I was a better daughter. I'm all she really has. My dad will always be there for her, but they haven't been "together" for years. Right now is one of those rare times that I do feel compassion for her, and wish she would get better. I feel sorry for her. Then other times I resent her because of how she turned out, who she is, all that she hasn't done, and see so much of her in me. I'm terrified of turning out like her, but already have so many of the same problems she does: clinical depression, high anxiety, easily overwhelmed, back problems, unable to get done what I say I'll get done, or what I mean to get done. For years we both have been working on "paperwork." All the mail that piles up that we want to go through and file away, but forget about it for a while and then have so much to do. I'm determined not to turn out like her, or my father. I want to actually do something with my life, but I think she did too. I sit here thinking about another woman I find highly erotic that I used to be romantically involved with (and her husband), knowing deep down she really doesn't want anything to do with me ever again. I'm not all that sure her husband does either. I seem to bring so much drama into their lives, and not just about the three of us being together. I was never a drama queen until I fell in love with "Queen." There is a good reason why I call her that, that has nothing to do with drama, and she's not a drag queen, but I'm not going to explain it right now. I guess it was so hard because with "Diego"and Queen I felt total security, until shit hit the fan and she felt she couldn't do it anymore. Or he felt he couldn't do it anymore. Then they always had each other while I was left in the cold. I knew that I was taking that risk, and that it would eventually probably come to that. Our relationship has been on and off for three years. The last time I saw her I had a complete breakdown, and she sent me a "dear johnny" email a few days later. She didn't want to deal with any drama. I can't blame her for that. But she could also be very cold and unfeeling. She refuses to believe that I'm not the person I used to be; that my breakdown wasn't because I was so hung up on them. I almost felt more like a prostitute, except I wasn't getting paid. She would take me out of her toy box to play with me while she wanted, and when she was tired of me, she would just put me away and shut the lid. Now her husband, whom I was originally involved with (weird, I know), I think has done the same thing - shut the lid. He'll still email me, but he definitely doesn't feel the way about me he did before. He says he does but I know he's full of crap. I kept preparing myself for this and for the most part I'm fine. I guess I thought they wouldn't completely cut off contact tho. He hasn't totally, but I think it's coming to that. Not only were they both my lovers, but they were truly my best friends and we always promised each other that we would stay friends. I still have stuff at their house that I need to pick up, when I can find the time. It just really hurts when you know that someone(s) you love so much don't really care anymore. I'm not talking about romantic love, just friendship love. My head hurts and I should go to bed if I want to get up tomorrow. BTW, my doctor is weening me off of my current anti-depressant to start me on a new one. Thank god I only have two days left.