3 a.m.

I woke up an hour ago and made another attempt at my Spanish homework, but didn't get any farther than I did the last time - nowhere. I'm tired, but don't feel much like sleeping. This is not a "woe is me, I can't sleep." I woke up thinking about my best friend and her wedding. She says the title doesn't mean anything, but it does to me. I decided to tell her that I was really hurt, but that it's her wedding and she can do what she wants. I didn't say it out of malice or to incite guilt. I said it to tell her how I really feel and that I'm just going to need time. I'm not trying to make it any more stressful. Again, I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm just hurt. They are two different things, right? I used to feel sorry for myself a lot when I was younger, but don't want to do that anymore, so it's important to me to not feel sorry for myself.

I saw Gramma today. When she saw me her eyes got really big and she opened her arms. This was not one of her good days. I don't know if she'll have anymore good days. She was very scared and paranoid.

In a small, scared voice she exclaimed, "They're after me!"

"Who's after you?"

"I don't know. They're from California."

"Why would they be after you?"

"They don't like me."

"Gramma, I don't know anyone on this earth who doesn't like you. No one is after you."

"How do you know?"

"I just know."

"I don't believe you."

"Gramma, no one is after you."

"Thank you."

She kept calling for Tony, one of the guys who works there. They sort of adopted each other as grandson and grandmother, since his is in Central America I believe and he misses her. But then Gramma started talking about them getting married, so he stopped coming to see her. I don't know if we should ask him to see her or not. She asks for him all the time and she hasn't talked about marriage, but maybe it still wouldn't be a good idea. He may be too uncomfortable being around her, which I couldn't blame him. She had a few bites of dinner and didn't want anymore, but the nurses kept insisting that she eat. I don't want my grandmother to die from malnutrition, but I don't want to force feed her either. She'll be 91 in March for god sake, and is going down hill. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter, but it's not like they're really extending her life by force feeding her. I wouldn't eat that stuff either. They constantly give her this pea soup that I wouldn't feed to a dog, and give her things she has a hard time eating, like a sandwich. They fed her ice cream. As she protested she didn't want any, they would shove a spoonful in her mouth. I didn't like that, but I suppose it's important that she eats something. She finally gave up and obediently opened her mouth for them and me. But when she didn't want anymore, I didn't make her.

I want to switch out of my Spanish class. It's frustrating. First I had a hell of a time writing my resolutions in Spanish. Partly because I didn't have any, except to lose some weight, as I mentioned. Then I thought, "Ok. This isn't so bad. I think I can do this." Then I tried to do my homework due tomorrow, which you already know I didn't get very far. I have to listen to the audio that accompanies the lab manual, but when I listened to it and looked at the manual, it made no sense at all. I tried to find other audios on the website, but there wasn't anything else. This is what I get for waiting until the night before it's due. I had such good intentions that I would get it done on Wednesday, but that obviously didn't work out.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." ~Douglas Adams