I have no title

I give up. I tossed in turned in bed for a few hours, took half a Seroquel and a hydrocodone, and I still can't sleep. I just hope that I'm not starting one of those periods that I can't sleep for days or weeks. I decided to withdraw from my women's studies class. It was a surprisingly hard decision. It made me feel like I was copping out and somewhat a failure. I also feel like if I managed my time a little better and put more effort into it, then I wouldn't have had to do this. And that I admitted that I couldn't rise above my circumstances. My parents really encouraged me to do it, and also from a surprising source, this girl in my philosophy class, Noor. She shared that she withdrew from a couple of classes herself. I found it surprising because she was so upset when she got a B on the midterm and an A- on our last paper. The dean of students suggested I take an incomplete, with the prof allowing, and finish the last of my work after the quarter is over. I already planned on doing so much during winter break, that I really couldn't stand the thought of adding the paper I need to do for WMST onto that. I already know I won't accomplish nearly what I want to, just by experience. Dr. Mower told me that I only needed to write the big paper and forget about the small assignments, but I just felt that I couldn't get it done, and I don't like the feeling that I didn't complete the whole course. I'll just apply myself that much harder next quarter and more diligently work around, over, under, and through obstacles that will arise. I'd only be kidding myself if I think that next quarter is going to go so much more smoothly than this quarter. Because I didn't want to focus on anything besides homework is why I abstained from writing in my blog for ten days. There is only two more days of classes, and a final paper due and an exam next week. In spite of how busy I was, this quarter seemed to take forever.

Queenie and Diego aren't doing well at all. They had to pawn their wedding rings - not cheap jewelry by any stretch of the imagination. Now Diego thinks they'll have to sell the Aviator. He already sold his Navigator months ago. Queenie is suffering, and I'm actually a bastard enough that I almost take joy in it. Not really though. I may get mad and vindictive, but I wouldn't wish what they're going through on anyone.

Carmen finally got back on her meds (now everyone take a collective sigh of relief), so she's acting normaler. However, she told me just the other day that she wants to get a new oven, which I would rather get a dishwasher, but ok, and what shows up at our door but an electric fireplace! Just what we need! I totally understand the need for your home to be your sanctuary, but you also need to be realistic and practical. We have no dishwasher and the oven is probably over 50 years old. I also liked having real fires in the fireplace, even if it's one of those duralogs or whatever they're called that burns clean. Aye, aye-aye!

Our Thanksgiving was very low key, and I think everyone really liked it that way. I didn't seriously look for someplace to volunteer until the night before, and by then it was too late. Whoops. So, we just stayed at home, watched football, I was fairly drunk by early afternoon, and they cooked. No other family, no one else for that matter, no chaos, no busy schedule, no stress. A good holiday. I feel like I should feel more guilty than I do about not seeing Gramma. It may be her last. Of course it could be all of our last.

A song: The Letter by Macy Gray

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ain't nobody there trying to take from me
When they ask "Are you truly free?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't no such thing
And it's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand, I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go

So long everybody Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

All I ever wanted, love and the peace and the harmony
Just to be live and shine
When I get ready I up and fly
And I can't remember none of the things that I want to forget
It's the best, satisfaction no less
Ask if I'm free and I'll say "Oh yes"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't no such thing
And it's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm lookin for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go

So long everybody Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon

Before I do
Just one more look at you
It's worth the stay
But I'll meet you later at that better place

So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon