A Tree Grows In The Forest

Have you ever followed a line of thought and come to a completely irrelevant, odd, ending? I don't know what started it, but I was just thinking what the very first woman thought when she had her first menstrual period. I imagine it terrified her. That would be quite a surprise - one day all this blood oozes from your twat. And then it happens again the next month! That's messed up. I think men should have periods too. Even though I'm a woman, the thought of tampons makes me cringe. But it's still pretty funny. A few weeks ago in women's studies I was telling the girls in my group that I read an article about a birth control pill coming out for men. They thought that was great. Sasha was so funny. "No. YOU get the pill!" I told them that the pill should make men gain weight like the female version does.

You know, I've actually been feeling pretty good lately. Maybe this Effexor stuff works. It's weird not to feel so sad, worthless, hopeless, and even suicidal all the time, despite that my circumstances haven't really changed any. In a way, part of me liked being depressed as a way to get attention. "Love me because I'm sad." I withdrew from my women's studies class. That did make me feel like a loser and a little bit of a failure. Not a complete failure. I wonder if I wrote this in my last blog. That teacher that I emailed with a lot, and then she stopped, and now she started again, so that makes me happy. I am so ready for this quarter to be over. Don't I sound like I'm 18 instead of 26? I have an exam that I should've been studying for since yesterday, and have yet to open the book. I was so exhausted yesterday. I couldn't sleep worth shit Thursday night, and last night before I went to bed I took two hydrocodone and two clonazepan and slept like a baby. Of course I slept until almost 1 pm. So, I'm disappointed in myself, but still not depressed.

Another thing, DSHS turned me down for the exemption to stay with my doctor, Rachel. I'm bummed out about it, but still not depressed. This happy go-lucky shit isn't working out for me. It doesn't feel normal. Oh! Because it's not! At least for me. But I suppose it's better than pondering the different ways to off myself, and feel like I'm drowning in this deep abyss all alone and that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I will never get to where I want to be, never accomplish what I want to accomplish, because there will always be hurdles to overcome and emergencies to take care of that won't let me move forward. Ok, now I feel a little depressed. I probably sound like I'm high. I don't need drugs to get high. I'm crazy enough as it is.

Yesterday on my walk I thought of the old saying, "It's hard to see the forest through the trees." and what it meant. I came to the conclusion that the trees are different areas or events in your life that are happening right now that won't let you see the bigger picture - the forest. These are my trees:
- psych exam on Tuesday I need to majorly study for
- paper due in philosophy on Thursday that I haven't started
- Rx's I need to pick up
- Make a dr. appt., and go to the appt.
- fill out the interrogatories the paralegal sent me two weeks ago I haven't done
- finish putting stuff away in my room
- get things out of storage that I want to put in my room
- buy books for next quarter
- try to read at least a little for each class next quarter
- finish reading Diana
- read Resilience
- read True Compass
- read Seized
- read The Bell Jar
- get my computer fixed
- make an appt. for tattoo consult
- do ambulatory eeg monitoring

- fill in my volunteer hours for SU

- hopefully get a Rx for PT (my shoulder is actually doing much better)

- make the appts and go to them

I could go on, but I'll stop here. They are not in any particular order whatsoever. So, what am I doing sitting here wasting time? Because it's what I do best. I hate that about myself. So, with all these trees in front of me, how can I see the forest? Actually, I think I can. I know that the little things in life don't really matter. At least not in the long run. You need to be disciplined, but not too hard on yourself. Life is hard enough as it is. I'm not disciplined. Maybe you don't need to be disciplined. Well, I guess if you attend a university and have lots of homework, you should be disciplined about that. And if you want to actually exercise regularly, you need to be disciplined about that. It's also very helpful to manage time well and be organized, which also takes discipline. So yes, self discipline is good. Moving on, I think it's important to know where you're going in life, if you want to get someplace. If you don't care where you end up, then it's fruitless to care where you're going. Well, I should study a bit before I go to bed, which I could really do now (as I let out a yawn). It's 9:30. Pathetic.

"A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense." ~American Proverb