Solemn

As tired as I am, I'm determined to write tonight. I brought Sprite in, much to her dismay, as she hisses at even being brought into the house where the two vile little creatures live, Pearl and Presley. She now looks indignantly at me from the furthest most corner of my bed. Hayden came in with us, but I won't allow her in my room because she pees and the other night she vomited on my comforter while I slept. She can't help the peeing really because she's incontinent from a disorder called Pulled Tail Syndrome. It's just as it sounds. Before she came into my care, her tail was either pulled very hard by something or someone, or her tail got caught in something and she injured herself when trying to free herself. All of the nerves in her hind quarters were torn and she has no feeling back there. Poor thing. I thought about giving her up because it was becoming too hard to keep up with her, but couldn't bring myself to do it and now she spends most of her time outside. Somehow she is able to use the litter box, but not all of the time. Maybe the nerves are growing back together? She scratches at my bedroom door, whining to be let in.

I wasn't as productive as I should've been today, as seems to be what I usually say, but I'm proud of what I accomplished. I finally finished an essay, after hurdling some obstacles, for my philosophy class and emailed it to my teacher. I think I did well on it, but I don't know yet what he thinks. I emailed part of it to another professor, the Doctor, who claimed he couldn't be of any assistance and that he is an idiot. That seemed quite out of character for him. I hope to arrive early on Monday so I can prod him more for his strange response. I studied more psychology. It is so agonizingly slow. If I want to become a psychologist, I have many more psych textbooks to read, so I best get used to it. I talked to a friend of mine about my theory paper for women's studies. I know that he articulated some ingenious remarks and possibly a thesis, but I was too slow to type everything and didn't want to ask him to repeat himself. I half-hoped we would meet tonight to discuss my paper further since I'm really at a loss on it, but he seemed busy at home and didn't seem up to going out. I told him that I'm going to dinner at a friend's house in Everett (he lives near Everett), hoping that he would invite me over or to meet someplace up there, but he didn't pick up on the hint. You have to be more straightforward with men. I have much studying to do as it is, but I could also use a sounding board for my theory and it's much easier in person than over the phone. But, in person I feel more shy and my mind seems to go blank, so maybe over the phone is better.

I've given one of my teachers a lot of thought over the past couple weeks. She was very friendly and talkative at first, always replying to my emails, asking how I'm doing, reply when I ask her the same, and I hoped that it would blossom into a friendship. Now she rarely responds to my emails and we don't talk much anymore. I felt that we could really relate to one another, as her mother and my grandmother are in much the same condition and she has similar family problems to mine. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with something I said, or perhaps she felt that it was too close for a strictly teacher/student relationship. Or maybe she's much more wrapped up in her mother's affairs. She's someone I would like to be friends with, but I already knew I was probably hoping for too much.

Carmen finally started acting normal this afternoon. She receives her anti-depressants by mail and forgot to send in the paperwork so she's been off for two weeks. She's mostly acted like a whack job crying all the time, yelling and throwing tantrums, suffering from constant panic attacks, becoming hysterical at trivial matters...she started crying when telling me that an old friend of ours she ran into was praying for me. I told her she needs her medication. And she said that being so emotional had nothing to do with it! I know I become much more emotional and irritable when I don't take my anti-depressants. I hate that fact, but at least I don't deny it. Dad told me that she actually burst into tears when she saw Bev in the grocery store! Lovely. It was a long and tiring week.

I still think about the Queen often. Sometimes with anger, sometimes with resentment, sometimes with apathy, and even sometimes with care. I told Diego that if we did make up and at least were friends again, without benefits, that I couldn't stay at their house without being able to sleep in their bed. It just hurts too much. I lie awake for hours straining to hear the tiniest noise from their room. I would get up at all hours of the night to creep towards their room to make sure they weren't having sex. I probably sound like a deranged person. But, if you knew where I was coming from, you'd probably understand. I thought he would be mad at me because I know how much he wants us to at least be friends again; be talking again, but he wasn't at all and said he could completely understand how I felt. That made me happy and love him all the more. I miss him. Very few times I thought that maybe I should just let go and have nothing more to do with either one of them. That it would hurt at first but over time it would be better for all of us. But I can't bring myself to do it, and so far he hasn't been able to either. Queenie has said good-bye before, but we made up until now. I wonder if she has a hard time too. I don't think so. She writes in her facebook how happy she is and grateful she is for her husband and their marriage and she's just filled with so much gratitude. It makes me want to puke. Normally, she would puke at that kind of thing too. I miss her hugs and kisses, and her perfume when she would wrap her arms around me and hold me close. But she has Diego to hold close to her.

Now I'll finish my wine and try to fall asleep listening to the rain beat on the roof.