Self-Inhibition

What leads to one inhibiting oneself from doing what she or he wants? The list seems too long to note all of them. Societal standards or acceptance, law, peer acceptance, religious acceptance seem to be major ones. But for the most part, those don't really apply to me. I don't mean to sound self-righteous. I learned that to fear what others think of yourself can push you down way too much. You have no mind of your own. For years I've talked about all these things I want to do - not so much what I want to accomplish, but daily tasks, such as exercising, reading, creating some variance of art, cooking, writing, gardening, as well as my education. I had dinner with a friend tonight who seems to be gifted, from my point-of-view (pov), to learning. He did so from before my age to where he is now, a practicing psychologist who is reading Proust in French (this is how he is learning French), decided to pick up someone else whose name escapes me at the moment, is reading another book he brought with him, dedicates himself to exercising and strengthening his body, is rewriting one book and writing another. I haven't covered everything, but that's a good glance at it. I want to learn a lot, but I don't feel I'm active enough in learning. Today was another disappointment in myself. I planned on spending half the day doing homework and half the day on my room, my space. I accomplished neither. I finished a one page paper I started last night and read a little bit more for my philosophy class. As far as my "sanctuary" goes, that was left in the cold. I also planned on seeing my grandmother, which I WILL do tomorrow. Maybe my self-inhibition comes from laziness and fatigue. Looking for excuses to procrastinate. Why? When I don't accomplish what I need to accomplish, then I can't do anything else, like finish the damn baby blanket for Paige. For years I've known where I want to be, but make no or very little progress in getting there. Not physically where I want to be, although that's not here either. I've analyzed my behavior and habits, and made numerous small and large goals for myself. Some I achieve, but there's a lot I don't. I'm not driven. That's the main thing. I know what I want to do, I am working on getting there, but I'm not driven to take the necessary steps to get there. WHY???? Maybe I'm somewhat driven. I'm motivated to finish this quarter. But I'm not putting in the effort necessary to accomplish that. Tomorrow I'll get up, hopefully go for a walk before my doctor's appointment at 11, see Gramma afterwards, hopefully get some homework done, go to psych, hopefully do some homework after that, but there's a very good chance I'll just go to bed. I've never been good at doing homework. I get distracted too easily counting flowers on the wall.

"In the contemplation of Beauty, we alone find it possible to attain that pleasurable, or excitement, of the soul, which we recognise as the Poetic Sentiment, and which is so easily distinguished from Truth, which is the satisfaction of the Reason, or from Passion, which is the excitement of the heart." Edgar Allan Poe