Safe!

 I know this probably sounds stupid, but sometimes I'm afraid of being too much. Of rising above the soft murmur of everyday life and openly take a stand on something - to be a leader. I feel safe as a soft-spoken follower who doesn't make waves regardless of whether I think changes need to be made or not. I think that Eve Ensler wrote something similar to this. Then I fantasize about being the tireless volunteer who fights for her convictions, and having a relationship with politicians who can actually make these come to fruition. Of stirring things up like in the '60s and '70s with the protests and marches and sit-ins. Of looking retribution in the eye and relentlessly push forward. But keeping my head low, keeping to myself, doing my own thing is safer. Besides, who has time for all that? I may have time right now, and maybe had time over the summer, but I start school in five weeks [add hint of sarcasm]. What if I really achieved that? What if I fail? Can I fail? Can little ol' me really make a difference? I was talking to a woman at that potluck who was an activist in the '70s, and she said she can't believe how complacent my generation is. Where are the leaders? Why don't people care? I gave her the usual rhetoric, that people are self-centered, caught up in their own lives, think those issues don't really affect them, etc. But what is really so different from 40 years ago? She said that someone needs to take a stand and motivate the young people. I felt like she was talking to me, and maybe she was. I wouldn't even know how to go about something like that. Could I get people to care in such an apathetic environment? Do I personally want to motivate people to care, and to do something about it? I really don't know the answer to that question.

"I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out." -Dolly Parton

Only the Lonely

Lately I've just been feeling so useless. I have gotten a lot of things done, but there is so much more I want to do, and the days just seem to slip away. I was ill last week, so I have that excuse...for last week. I finally checked into being an egg donor, and I don't qualify. I hoped it would be a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am and give my $5,000 tyvm, but it was too good to be true. Did you know an egg donor can't have had a tattoo done in the past year? That's not the only reason why I don't qualify. Should've known it was too good to be true. I like Fiona's rule from Burn Notice: "If something is too good to be true, you're supposed to shoot it just in case." I finally attempted to start my application for social security disability, but it said the preliminary info I sent them didn't match with their records. So, tomorrow I have to find out what that is about. There is just so much stuff that needs to be gone through and sold in this house. I daydream of what it would be like to just have the minimal in here. I often daydream of not living here at all. It's really beginning to wear on me. Carmen can be such a pain in the ass. Hovering, and smothering, and procrastinates until the very last minute. Hmm, sounds like someone I know. I almost typed "not the hovering and smothering part," but I would a lot more if I didn't restrain myself. I'm really anxious to hear what a friend thinks of our friendship that I wrote her a letter about (actually manually wrote it). But then, it may not be what I want to hear. I don't even know if she's gotten it yet. She is going through really hard times right now and has a lot on her plate, at least the last time we really talked over six months ago, so I want to give her space and just be there for her. Same with another friend. I really enjoy talking to her, but she's insanely busy, and there are times when I want to text her or email her about something, but I try to stop myself from doing it too much because I don't want to become annoying and push her away. I sent her an email that I have coupons for movie tickets, so if she has time and wants to see a movie, to let me know. I really hope she took it as that and me not trying to press her to do something, because that's what I really meant. Not to press her to do something, but what I told her - to just let me know. Yeah, I want to hang out with her, but I understand she's just not in that space right now with her work life and personal life. And then there's my "bff." I don't know what to do about her. I feel like these past months she's just trampled all over me, but then I question if I'm being too sensitive, or if I'm in the wrong. I don't think so. I talk to someone I really consider to be my best friend about 4-5 days a week, but sometimes our conversations are cut short and we can never see each other. I have a friend in Florida, but we only chat on FB and it's not exactly convenient, or even feasible, for either one of us to pick up and go see the other. I still immensely enjoy our conversations. There's my sister, but she works full time and has two young children. Enough said. I've tried to reach out to other people, but they don't always seem to be in the reaching mood. They're busy. They have other people in their life, other things going on. I get it. I feel so lonely, but I want my space at the same time. I need my space from my parents, but want to be close to someone else. Someone that I don't have to worry about being a burden on them all the time; constantly checking myself, but someone that I can also have my space from. I want a relationship, but not the commitment. I sound like a man. Someone to be with once in a while, someone I feel I can call, and I want to be there for them, but someone I don't feel obligated to. Is what I want having my cake and eating it too?

Where is the love?

I just started to bitch to my friend about the stupidity of people, but instead I decided to save her from that and rant and rave on my blog. People have the right to their own opinions and beliefs. However, those opinions can be so ignorant, short-sighted, and narrow-minded. I recently signed a FB petition to designate the Arctic Refuge as a national monument. Being a lover of nature, I think it is highly important to save as much of it as possible before it's all mowed down by big stinky machines to make way for more box houses and strip malls. My cousin ridiculed me for it because he thinks it would be a waste of resources and jobs. Is he really that selfish? Oh god, what would we do without granite countertops? I don't even know if there's granite there; I'm assuming there is, but I think you get the point. Even if we tapped into that, the tap will run dry someday - whether it's oil, or stone to make counters and floors for the rich, or timber. There's not an unlimited supply of that. Haven't people learned yet? Climate change? Oh wait, that's a scam, a bogus theory, a lie. What about the oil spill, huh? What about the 11 human lives that were lost, the countless human lives that were affected, the loss of sea life and nature? What we do to nature we also do to ourselves. Don't forget that the Louisiana wetlands lose about the area of a football field a day because of human interference. I see humans in general as disgusting, despicable creatures. There are some beautiful humans I know; beautiful physically, intelligently, and/or spiritually. Unfortunately, they don't make up for the rest of the damage humans caused. I told my cousin that every animal has as much right to be on this earth than any human. He'll probably read that and think, "Tree-huggin' hippy." That is fine by me. I'd rather be that than a short-sighted, selfish destructor of life that only sees what nature has to offer for my benefit. I don't understand how people do not care. It's that lack of caring that got us here.

Really?

I received a very hard message tonight from someone I thought was a friend, but I don't think she really is, because I don't think she would have passed on from her husband what she did pass on. That because I depend on help from the government to receive help, that I should have no say in voting. At all. "You have too much at stake." That hurt like you wouldn't know. I have too much at stake? Take a look in the mirror, honey. I don't have a house. You do. I don't have a car. You do. I don't have my own business that I rely on for my livelihood. You do! I have too much at stake. That is a great joke. So take away my meds. I'll have seizures; a lot. Take away my education that I rely on the government for because my family is poor too. I'll just keep sucking up those dshs dollars, which they won't let me suck up for a whole lot more, I don't think. And it's all because I advocated an initiative for income tax for people that make more than $200k. Maybe I sound naive, but that income tax is for education and healthcare. Maybe for other people like me. I believe when they say it's for rich people. If you make more than $200k a year, I consider you at least wealthy if not just plain rich. You don't have to worry about education costs or healthcare costs, unless you live beyond your means. A woman actually said that she wanted to keep her money because then she "could put it back into the economy." Isn't that what taxes are for??? In general, I think that we like schools. We like teachers that teach in schools; many of which have been laid off. We like police officers when we need them. We also like firefighters when we need them too. We also like to have paved streets, which some cities are turning to dirt road cuz they can't afford paved streets. So, you, the rich bitch, will put your money to more good use than that? But I see the other side. So many people in high positions use that money to line their pockets. Or they use that money to line someone else's pockets, who will line their pockets, in one way or another. So why should the lowly good-to-do citizen pay more? Maybe because we have good people on our side. Because I believe, I like to believe, that these people won't let scoundrels get away with that extra tax money. I believe that they will do what they say they will do. Patty Murray has been pretty good to Wa. So has Maria Cantwell. It saddens me more than anything - I don't have a right to vote?

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

I was watching Smoking Gun's Dumbest Criminals the other day (I highly recommend it if you want a good laugh - better than America's Funniest Videos, and yes, this guy was on it), and I've wondered for a long time why are so many criminals so dumb, and so few smart people criminals? How does having an education change that, theorizing that it does? In my psychology class, my teacher said that generally criminals have a lower IQ than the general public. Also, criminals rarely have a degree, if any college education. I'm talking about the lowly burglar who robs the 7-11 or holds up a small bank. The higher the degree, the lower the percentage of those degree holders commit crimes. So does a college education make people more moral, and if so, how? This applies not only to criminals, but people in general. Look at Glenn Beck, who I don't see as possessing high morals, who dropped out of two colleges that I know of, and Rachel Maddow, who I see as a very moral person, who became a Rhodes scholar when she was 21, and earned her doctorate. People with less education tend to be more racist, sexist, homophobic, religious, narrow-minded, bigoted in general, and (hrrmph) republican, than people with a higher education. Now, of course, I'm talking in general from what I have seen. I stuck religion in there, because, well, it's true. More people with a higher education, from what I've observed, don't believe in a god than people with a lower education. Or if they do believe in god, they realize that they have no hard evidence that one exists; that it's blind faith.

I thought of morals being taught in the home. So do all people with low morals come from bad homes, or the product of parents with low morals? For the most part, it's probably true, but I think there are many criminals that came from good homes. It also works vice-versa. There are lots of good people that come from less-than-desirable homes.

My mother fell asleep with the tv on earlier, and this religious show was on. This woman yelled out to a massive audience that she was almost 61 years old and she felt like she was 25, "and that is God's work," and the crowd roared! Yay!!! Do they really believe that crap? My grandparents believed in God, and they died from cancer. Was it because they didn't believe as hard as she does? Could it be that she takes care of herself? That she has good genes (which she would also consider the work of God)? That she is just plain lying, so that her supporters, especially ill ones, will send her money hoping that God will make them feel like 25? And you know, 25 wasn't especially great for me. But that must be because I'm a non-believer. I also didn't take very good care of myself. And there's the whole seizure thing.

Going back to education and morals, teachers/professors don't necessarily teach morals. Yet, education seems to impact them. Perhaps it's because more education can make people more open-minded. They meet people from different backgrounds and cultures whose views differ from theirs, and learn things out of their scope. It forces one to question their beliefs and analyze what they think - not just positions they always held, but also issues they didn't give much thought to before. It also happens (or should happen) in a non-threatening manner. If you tell someone their beliefs are wrong, then they'll dig their heels in deeper. If you can get them to truly question their beliefs, to explain themselves, then it makes the person more open-minded to alternatives. "Huh. Maybe that doesn't make as much sense as I thought, now that I think about it." Like duct-taping your face to use as a disguise.

We're Only Human

 What does it mean to say, "We're only human."? It's human to display inquisitive behavior. It's human to lust. It's human to have weaknesses. In colonial times and the slavery era (much of one in the same), EuroAmerican people didn't consider Africans or Native Americans as humans. They were primitive, savages, animals, that didn't belong in proper society. To admit that they were human would mean to admit that they deserved to be treated with some amount of respect and decency, and they were entitled to rights. It's much more convenient to write them off as nonhuman, don't you think? Look at how so many humans still treat animals. That reminds me of a similarity I haven't thought of before. We know what Michael Vick did to dogs. Priests at a boarding school for little Native children did something similar. They disciplined a child by making other children, their schoolmates, beat him, or they would suffer a beating themselves. The two situations differ not all that much, unfortunately. So it seems human to rule over something that can be controlled - whether it be animals, the environment, money, or other humans. Cohabitation doesn't exist. Reservations prove that. Animals lose more and more of their home as humans drive them back to make room for their homes. Cohabiting with the animals, that I believe have as much right to be here as any human does, is farcical. What if the big bad bear ate little Timmy? Well, that's only nature ( ;. Other animals face that same fear. As I tend to do, I strayed from my initial question. 

What is it to be human? Does it mean to have fingers and toes and opposable thumbs? Monkeys have those things, and not all humans do. Does it mean to have a more developed brain? That we can reach a higher level of thinking than any other species? Then why do we act so stupid? Why do we kill each other, impose our morals on others, make war with each other, destroy each other and the earth in which we need to live? Why can't we cohabit with other animals as all other animals seem to be able to do quite nicely, except when they're hungry? Native Americans did. They lived right along the deer, bears, wolves, buffalo, and all other animals. So did (and still do) all indigenous peoples. Or is it our ability to communicate? We created languages and the written word. Whales have their own language(s), as most other animals. And I've seen an elephant paint. I actually think I've seen a chimpanzee draw letters much like a kindergartener. So are they human, too? If a woman lives in a cave, eats squirrels and berries, and doesn't talk, does that make her less human than me? Less of a woman than me? Isn't "Nell" about something like that? Never did watch it, obviously. Actually, she sounds like someone out of "Deliverance." How about the human's ability to build grand edifices and mansions to live and work in? Ants and bees build abodes that most humans can barely fathom. So what makes us so much better than them?

Witchy Woman

  I just looked at a note to remind me of the conversation of two women I overheard talking. They were two white women in their 50's or 60's talking about Muslim women and their burkas. They felt that they shouldn't be allowed to wear their burka in the United States, because, "you just don't know who could be under there." Really, people? Really? Whatever happened to the land of the free? Not that everyone has ever been really free here - the reservations the Natives were segregated to and all the rights taken away, the slaves that were imported from Africa, internment camps for the Japanese, and now the sex slave industry. I just watched a new Law & Order: SVU episode about poor children sent to work on farms and being sold into slavery. As the immigration of illegal immigrants decreases, farmers need to find cheap work somewhere. But I digress. It was hard to keep my mouth shut as I listened to these ignorant women feeling it appropriate for them, the government, to intervene with religious rights that brings no harm to anyone else, but I highly doubt it would've mattered if I said anything or not. As if one of "those people" could be Osama bin Laden hiding under a blanket right in plain view. That brings up another point, this ideology of "us" vs. "them." I thought Obama exclaimed quite eloquently and passionately that there is no "us and them," there is only "us." It's only too obvious to state that as long as the "us and them" ideology persists, then we can't come together to banish the "them" part. Unfortunately, a "them" has always existed. "Us" are scared of the "them" because of real differences, and differences they perceive. Muslim women wear burkas. Christian women don't. That is a difference you can see, but they're both religious women. People have all different colors of skin, but the DNA is almost the same - we're all the same underneath. I think of "Imagine," the best song ever written (in my humble opinion): "Imagine there's no countries. It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too. Imagine all the people living life in peace."