Lately I've just been feeling so useless. I have gotten a lot of things done, but there is so much more I want to do, and the days just seem to slip away. I was ill last week, so I have that excuse...for last week. I finally checked into being an egg donor, and I don't qualify. I hoped it would be a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am and give my $5,000 tyvm, but it was too good to be true. Did you know an egg donor can't have had a tattoo done in the past year? That's not the only reason why I don't qualify. Should've known it was too good to be true. I like Fiona's rule from Burn Notice: "If something is too good to be true, you're supposed to shoot it just in case." I finally attempted to start my application for social security disability, but it said the preliminary info I sent them didn't match with their records. So, tomorrow I have to find out what that is about. There is just so much stuff that needs to be gone through and sold in this house. I daydream of what it would be like to just have the minimal in here. I often daydream of not living here at all. It's really beginning to wear on me. Carmen can be such a pain in the ass. Hovering, and smothering, and procrastinates until the very last minute. Hmm, sounds like someone I know. I almost typed "not the hovering and smothering part," but I would a lot more if I didn't restrain myself. I'm really anxious to hear what a friend thinks of our friendship that I wrote her a letter about (actually manually wrote it). But then, it may not be what I want to hear. I don't even know if she's gotten it yet. She is going through really hard times right now and has a lot on her plate, at least the last time we really talked over six months ago, so I want to give her space and just be there for her. Same with another friend. I really enjoy talking to her, but she's insanely busy, and there are times when I want to text her or email her about something, but I try to stop myself from doing it too much because I don't want to become annoying and push her away. I sent her an email that I have coupons for movie tickets, so if she has time and wants to see a movie, to let me know. I really hope she took it as that and me not trying to press her to do something, because that's what I really meant. Not to press her to do something, but what I told her - to just let me know. Yeah, I want to hang out with her, but I understand she's just not in that space right now with her work life and personal life. And then there's my "bff." I don't know what to do about her. I feel like these past months she's just trampled all over me, but then I question if I'm being too sensitive, or if I'm in the wrong. I don't think so. I talk to someone I really consider to be my best friend about 4-5 days a week, but sometimes our conversations are cut short and we can never see each other. I have a friend in Florida, but we only chat on FB and it's not exactly convenient, or even feasible, for either one of us to pick up and go see the other. I still immensely enjoy our conversations. There's my sister, but she works full time and has two young children. Enough said. I've tried to reach out to other people, but they don't always seem to be in the reaching mood. They're busy. They have other people in their life, other things going on. I get it. I feel so lonely, but I want my space at the same time. I need my space from my parents, but want to be close to someone else. Someone that I don't have to worry about being a burden on them all the time; constantly checking myself, but someone that I can also have my space from. I want a relationship, but not the commitment. I sound like a man. Someone to be with once in a while, someone I feel I can call, and I want to be there for them, but someone I don't feel obligated to. Is what I want having my cake and eating it too?
I know this probably sounds stupid, but sometimes I'm afraid of being too much. Of rising above the soft murmur of everyday life and openly take a stand on something - to be a leader. I feel safe as a soft-spoken follower who doesn't make waves regardless of whether I think changes need to be made or not. I think that Eve Ensler wrote something similar to this. Then I fantasize about being the tireless volunteer who fights for her convictions, and having a relationship with politicians who can actually make these come to fruition. Of stirring things up like in the '60s and '70s with the protests and marches and sit-ins. Of looking retribution in the eye and relentlessly push forward. But keeping my head low, keeping to myself, doing my own thing is safer. Besides, who has time for all that? I may have time right now, and maybe had time over the summer, but I start school in five weeks [add hint of sarcasm]. What if I really achieved that? What if I fail? Can I fail? Can little ol' me really make a difference? I was talking to a woman at that potluck who was an activist in the '70s, and she said she can't believe how complacent my generation is. Where are the leaders? Why don't people care? I gave her the usual rhetoric, that people are self-centered, caught up in their own lives, think those issues don't really affect them, etc. But what is really so different from 40 years ago? She said that someone needs to take a stand and motivate the young people. I felt like she was talking to me, and maybe she was. I wouldn't even know how to go about something like that. Could I get people to care in such an apathetic environment? Do I personally want to motivate people to care, and to do something about it? I really don't know the answer to that question.
