Messed Up

Today is my mother's birthday. My parents and I went out to dinner. She told us about starting a company...again...for making her wreaths. She met a woman today who markets for people and teaches them how to market themselves. I just couldn't be happy and excited for her. Neither could dad. She's talked about it for years and never even tried. She said that she has to buy more things for this season, because all the stuff she has is mainly for Christmas. We both find it impossible to believe that she doesn't have anything that she can use in her wreaths that's not Christmas. It's just spending more money and bringing more stuff into the house. There's so much that needs to be done at the house, that we both feel she needs to concentrate on that. It's not like it will happen. It's been like this for the past few years. Because we didn't show our enthusiasm for her like she hoped, she turned sour, like old milk. She said some very mean things to dad and me. I went out to have a cigarette, and when I came back in she said, "I'm sorry that you were born....." Whoa. She let me know that I hurt her feelings, but that seems extreme. Then she continued, "to this man as your father...." Ok, mom, tell us what you really think. Then she carried on, "and me as your mother." She got back into what dear Queenie told her about what I said. I could just slap right her right now. Queenie was trying to open the flow of communication. She opened a can of old, rotten, putrid worms. First Carmen said she was going to kill herself. Then she was going to California. She called her best friend to come pick her up, but she wasn't exactly in the mood to get out of bed and drive half an hour to have her spend the night at her house. Carmen said she'd probably be gone in the morning. She's going to go someplace where she's wanted. Where she's loved. She told me that she's going to tell me all the horrible things my father did and what a horrible man he is. That he's only told me lies about her. I don't care if it's your birthday or not. What kind of fucked up things are those to say to your daughter??? She told me one thing, that she told me when I was probably 13. I knew he cheated on her when I was 11. Maybe younger. She told me when I was about 13 how controlling he was and he isolated her from all of her friends. Now she's slamming the door...a few times. If she didn't act like she was 4, then maybe dad and I wouldn't treat her like she was 4. What she could use is a good whoopin'. Or maybe that's just what I'd like to do to her. Lord knows she was abused enough as a child. Dad told me that when she gets into these funks and "oh, poor me" that one time her cousin who lived with her when they were kids said, "I was abused too. I lived in the same house you did." In other words, LET IT GO! Get over it! It took me a long time, years, to get over some of the things that carmen said to me, but I think that I'm finally over it, and have let it go. It sucked, and it was hurtful, and it took a long fucking time, but I think I'm finally over it now. It happened. That's all there is to it. Dwelling on the past doesn't allow you to move forward. I know that.

Rainbows

It's been nearly three weeks since my last entry; an unprecedented length of time. A lot has been going on, and nothing has been going on. Just busy with the usual humdrum life. I also haven't felt much like writing. My blog turned into more of a diary than my original intention, not that it matters much. I think there are only two people who read this.

I thought of different topics, or theses, for an English paper on Mrs. Dalloway. I didn't realize the intricate detail that Woolf wove into this novel, which makes it not just a good read, but a work of genius. A book I want to read again, when I have the time. She involves many different kinds of relationships between a husband and wife, and a couple about to get married. I'm not sure if any of it reflects her own marriage, but it's a distinct possibility. One of her characters commits suicide because of PTSD from the war, which his wife had difficulty dealing with, and she commits suicide 16 years after the book is published because of mental problems and she didn't want to be a burden on her husband. We always think we know what's best.

I am happy to say that this is my first entry on my new computer. I decided to splurge and buy a macbook. So far I love it, but I've had it for less than a week. It was worth it.

I still haven't spoken to my friend. Another friend suggested that I ask her out to coffee so we can talk, but I honestly don't know what to say to her. She's waiting for me to "heal," which will take a long time to happen, if it does, but I don't want to lose her friendship. When I don't hear from or lose so many friends, I wonder if it has something to do with me. One relationship obviously had to do with me. The others....I think people get busy, but if they really care, can't they afford a 5 min. call, or send a quick email? But then we get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget or think we'll do it later. I was going to see my gramma and call my aunt today, but I failed to do both of those. I was working on homework. It's not as important as them though. But it won't affect my grade if I don't see or talk to them. There's tomorrow, right?

The other day on my walk I saw a beautiful rainbow. I kept it in sight as long as possible. The end didn't look too far from my house, and I was tempted to see find it, but knew I wouldn't. It was probably 3 miles away anyway. When there's a rainbow reaching across the sky, or a beautiful sunrise or sunset, I don't understand how people don't just stop and stare - why there aren't more wrecks because people are gazing at something pure and beautiful and not paying attention to what they're doing. I didn't stop because I didn't want to be seen as weird or creepy, just standing there looking at a sunrise or the rainbow. It's one of those things that make me feel present in life. Not just my life, but life in general. I feel the here and now. How often do we get to do that?

"Watch the sun as we go by, throwin' colors off the water sky, thinkin' about the rainbows in my baby's eyes." Country Joe and The Fish

Explode

I think I'm going to explode. That picture of the mushroom cloud is me. My mother is infuriating. I think she and dad will leave to see Gramma as soon as I get home, but not so. Dad hooked up a 7" portable tv that Carmen got for "us" for Christmas and she was watching some infomercial, looking up more things to buy on the computer, and ads were spread all over. I was sitting watching Golden Girls, waiting for them to leave so I can watch old shows of Rachel and Keith, and she wants to watch QVC for Elvis crap because it's his birthday. I can't watch Rachel and Keith when they're here, because I get a bunch of whining like little spoiled children, "I don't want to watch old news! I want to watch Cold Case. I want to watch current news." I explained to them again and again that I like to watch the old news because then I know how we got to where we are. I could watch the new news, but have no idea how we got there or what's really going on. I also told them there wouldn't be so many old episodes if they would just let me watch the old ones so I can get caught up. Carmen is always watching tv, except when she's sleeping, so it's not like I get a lot of time to watch what I want; especially with school and homework. I told her she has enough crap as it is. We need an oven that works, but she buys an electric fireplace to make the living room "cozy." We need a dishwasher, but she buys a 7" tv that aint worth shit. Not that the tv cost nearly as much as a dishwasher, but that money could've, should've, gone towards a dishwasher! I told her I didn't want her to get me an iPhone because I want that money to go towards an iBook, but instead she gets me this large external hardrive that needs a cord to hook it up so I can back up my stuff on my computer when I get it. That'll be really convenient when I'm at school or a cafe. I sound like I'm on my high horse, but I want something practical and that's also essential, and good quality that hopefully I can use until I'm 35. I told her I rather she send it back and use the money for the computer, but she decides she wants to keep it for herself because she wants to do photography on the computer. Thanks for the Christmas present, mom. She also got me a shirt I don't like and a sweater that's way too big that I really do like, but I don't believe she's sent it back to LL Bean yet, and dad got me pajamas that are way too big. I know I'm fat, but come on guys. She said there's another present for me, but apparently dad hasn't wrapped it yet so they haven't given it to me. There is so much crap in this house you can barely walk through it, but she sits around all day watching QVC and Law & Order and does "paperwork." Honestly, how much time does it take to do paperwork, because I find it pretty fucking hard to believe that it takes all day every day, except when she has to run errands. She wishes I was a better daughter, but I wish to god, oh wait, i don't believe in god, well, i just wish she was a better mother. Set a fucking example! I shouldn't be the one having to tell her that she doesn't need to buy more stuff and to not drink too much and spend time with her mother! or better yet, dead. If i could sell 98% of what this house holds, then sell the house, then buy a nice little condo, that would be sweet. I don't understand daughters that are close to their mothers.

On a happier note, there was no homework due in Spanish today! So I asked my teacher to show me where the audio is that accompanies the lab book. I also had a massage today. Well, back to cleaning. I just had to get that out. Next week I want to see Vagina Monologues at my school. That should be fun. I always wanted to go to a show. I hope my teacher will go so maybe we can sit together, but I can sit by myself.

3 a.m.

I woke up an hour ago and made another attempt at my Spanish homework, but didn't get any farther than I did the last time - nowhere. I'm tired, but don't feel much like sleeping. This is not a "woe is me, I can't sleep." I woke up thinking about my best friend and her wedding. She says the title doesn't mean anything, but it does to me. I decided to tell her that I was really hurt, but that it's her wedding and she can do what she wants. I didn't say it out of malice or to incite guilt. I said it to tell her how I really feel and that I'm just going to need time. I'm not trying to make it any more stressful. Again, I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm just hurt. They are two different things, right? I used to feel sorry for myself a lot when I was younger, but don't want to do that anymore, so it's important to me to not feel sorry for myself.

I saw Gramma today. When she saw me her eyes got really big and she opened her arms. This was not one of her good days. I don't know if she'll have anymore good days. She was very scared and paranoid.

In a small, scared voice she exclaimed, "They're after me!"

"Who's after you?"

"I don't know. They're from California."

"Why would they be after you?"

"They don't like me."

"Gramma, I don't know anyone on this earth who doesn't like you. No one is after you."

"How do you know?"

"I just know."

"I don't believe you."

"Gramma, no one is after you."

"Thank you."

She kept calling for Tony, one of the guys who works there. They sort of adopted each other as grandson and grandmother, since his is in Central America I believe and he misses her. But then Gramma started talking about them getting married, so he stopped coming to see her. I don't know if we should ask him to see her or not. She asks for him all the time and she hasn't talked about marriage, but maybe it still wouldn't be a good idea. He may be too uncomfortable being around her, which I couldn't blame him. She had a few bites of dinner and didn't want anymore, but the nurses kept insisting that she eat. I don't want my grandmother to die from malnutrition, but I don't want to force feed her either. She'll be 91 in March for god sake, and is going down hill. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter, but it's not like they're really extending her life by force feeding her. I wouldn't eat that stuff either. They constantly give her this pea soup that I wouldn't feed to a dog, and give her things she has a hard time eating, like a sandwich. They fed her ice cream. As she protested she didn't want any, they would shove a spoonful in her mouth. I didn't like that, but I suppose it's important that she eats something. She finally gave up and obediently opened her mouth for them and me. But when she didn't want anymore, I didn't make her.

I want to switch out of my Spanish class. It's frustrating. First I had a hell of a time writing my resolutions in Spanish. Partly because I didn't have any, except to lose some weight, as I mentioned. Then I thought, "Ok. This isn't so bad. I think I can do this." Then I tried to do my homework due tomorrow, which you already know I didn't get very far. I have to listen to the audio that accompanies the lab manual, but when I listened to it and looked at the manual, it made no sense at all. I tried to find other audios on the website, but there wasn't anything else. This is what I get for waiting until the night before it's due. I had such good intentions that I would get it done on Wednesday, but that obviously didn't work out.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." ~Douglas Adams

First Day

So, I sit in front of my computer, procrastinating homework. It was a fairly good first day. I tried to get out of my Spanish class, but it's a requirement, which I don't agree with. It should be a choice to take a second language class. I need to write a paragraph on my "aspiraciones" for the new year. Quiero perder 50 libras - I want to lose 50 pounds. I had to look up lose and pounds.

I talked to Diego about Christina. He said to be the bigger person and not get all immature. That's kind of hard when she's 6' and I'm 5'3". I think he thinks I should let it go, but he can understand that I'm hurt. Very hurt. I don't know what to do about it. Am I making too big of a deal out of it? Should I let it go and tell her that I will still help her despite that I'm not the maid of honor, even if I really don't want to and feel betrayed? Should I feel betrayed? I know it's her wedding, and she can have whomever she wants to be her MOH. She talked about possibly having two maids of honor, even though I think that's stupid. What if she asks me to be her second MOH? I know it sounds immature, but I really don't want to be #2. I want to be #1, dammit!

I look around my room, and wonder, "How did I end up like this?"

2010 sucks

So this evening I was at my "best" friend's fiance's birthday party. Most of the people were gone, and my friend, her parents, and my parents were sitting together. My friend tells me how much she appreciated my help with the parties and the wedding, and she really needs me, and then she told me she wants her cousin to be her maid-of-honor. For the past five or six months, I believed I was going to be the MOH. She's my best friend. I'm her best friend. I always believed that she would be my MOH and I would be hers, and she would be the godmother of my children and I would be the godmother of hers....things that best friends do. And she still wants me to help her with the wedding. Fuck that. Her cousin lives in Tacoma, about an hour away, so they can't get together all the time to go to wedding expos, pick out invitations, she told me a week ago she wanted me to pick out the bridesmaids dresses. A maid-of-honor is the one who does everything for the bride - plans the bridal shower, bachelorette party, takes care of things that the bride doesn't have to deal with....she told me that it was because her cousin is family. What does that have to do with anything? She told me that she doesn't get to see Sally very much, which I already knew of course, but when they see each other they have a really good time, or some BS like that. And like I said, she still needs my help with the wedding because Sally doesn't know anyone or know Edmonds. She's fucking dreaming. She, my best friend, tells me after five months that she doesn't want me to be her maid-of-honor, but still wants me to do everything that a MOH does? That's Sally's job now. Christina said the title didn't come with any attachments and that we're all equal. Bullshit. I had her fucking wedding planned within a week after she told me in July that she and Jeremy were getting married. Actually more like a day. It took about a week for me to see one of the venues, but I called a lot of others, and caterers, and looked at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses online for her, because I knew what she wanted more than she did, which she fully admitted. At the time she didn't know (and I still don't know if she does) what an A-line dress is, or empire, or princess cut. I also looked at rings to suggest to her fiance. And now she's dumping me for her cousin she hardly sees?

And tomorrow I go back to school. I'm a little excited, but mostly not looking forward to it. Where did the past three weeks go? I said at the beginning that I wouldn't get done nearly what I wanted to, and I didn't! I used to set these incredible goals of what I would accomplish during a break, whether a weekend or a few weeks, and never seem to quite get it done. I did get quite a few things done, but not nearly all I wanted to, and I knew I wouldn't. I've been so tired since New Year's. Friday I didn't move from the recliner, recovering from my hangover, yesterday I was still exhausted and actually slept most of the day, and today I was still tired but was able to at least get up. I wished I was more like Christina. No matter how tired she is, how sick she is, how little sleep she got, she still gets up and does what she has to do. In high school when she would come to school on her death bed, I told her that no one really wanted her there so sick, and she needed to give her body a chance to get better, but she was determined that she was going to school. Crazy bitch.

For the last week my gramma's been going downhill. The nurse told mom that she's shutting down, but we don't know how long that will take. From the sound of her condition, I didn't know if she would even make it to new year's. Yesterday my parents saw her, and she told them that she's really depressed and wanted to commit suicide. She wanted to throw her body against the glass window and bleed to death. We saw her again today. She said she wasn't feeling as depressed. She was coherent, but extremely tired. She couldn't keep her eyes open. Her sciatica was causing her a lot of pain. She was actually crying out in pain. The nurse withheld her gabbapentin for the last three days because it makes her more tired than she already is. So it's better that she's concious and in unbearable pain? I wanted to say something, but held my tongue and didn't get involved. While we were there she gave Gramma her medication. She did suggest that we take Gramma to her doctor before she started living at the nursing home, because the house doctor never sees the patients. He just looks at the charts and gives orders based on that. I believe he goes in a couple hours a week. It's pathetic.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." ~William Blake