Bubbles

Why are we so afraid to be physically close to other people? I see the same thing over and over wherever I am that people make an effort, I included, to maintain our "personal space." When you're on a bus, there is no personal space. Are we afraid that they're carrying some dire infection, or they'll grab us, or they stink? I have come across that on more than one occasion on a bus. Maybe it is the reasons I listed, but I think people also separate themselves subconsciously. It's clearly a social habitude in our society. Perhaps the strongly individualistic society that we live an learn in affects this? No real feeling of community on a large scale has existed for some time. We're indifferent to each other. I'm interested in why this phenomenon occurs. I've heard that other countries, mostly Latin, are quite the opposite. There is no such thing as personal space. Instead, they're very up close and personal. They're not afraid to be in the same bubble, so to speak, with another individual. I try to open up more to others, and not afraid to stand close to them or sit next to them on the bus. However, if only one other person is on the bus, I won't sit next to him or her. I don't think this is really a problem. I just wonder why. Maybe it's not all that different in other countries. I wouldn't know. Would a stronger feeling of community exist? Would it be freakish to say hello to everyone you come in contact with, whether in the store or on the street? If so, why? Would it be different at all? Maybe not.

Status Quo?

Again, a long time since I wrote in my blog. No real excuses. I either feel I have more important things to do, or I'm too tired. I took this picture of bleeding hearts. I want to include my pictures in my blog.

I've noticed that I constantly check nearly everyone I come into contact with if they're wearing a wedding ring. Being married still holds status in society, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. I try not to. I'm single and I like being single. People may take pity on me that I'm in denial. People also think that I must be looking, because everyone wants to be in a monogamous committed relationship, right? Back to the topic at hand (pun intended), why do I always look for the wedding ring? Is it because in this society of the nuclear family, I'm trained to do so? If someone is not wearing a wedding ring, then I question why they're single. Is it by choice? Are they divorced? Are they in a committed relationship that hasn't reached marriage yet, or they choose to not marry? Do they want to be in a relationship? All these questions arise. We ask why someone is not married rather than why someone is. If that person is wearing a ring, then I wonder what their spouse is like. I also wonder why they did get married. I'm so...relieved...that I chose to not marry either of my fiancés. I had a hard time finding the right word. Am I glad? Yes. Am I happy? Yes, but that's not quite it. It's relief that I chose to not go down that path. I can barely tolerate my current path (regarding my living and financial situation), but it leads me in the right direction. I wonder where I would be if I got married. I highly doubt where I am now. Most likely divorced. Maybe I would be here now, regardless of whether I got married or not.

People have made the argument that marriage has lost its meaning. It's not the revered institution it once was. While in a sense that's true, but it still holds some value. Of course probably most people are divorced, which can be interpreted as disregarding the sanctity of marriage, but if it has no meaning, then why do people get married in the first place? As said earlier, it still holds status in society. It means something to be married. Why would gay people want the right to hold the same status so much? It is also the way in society to manifest your love to another person. To show the world that you love that person and commit yourself to him/her until death do you part. If you're not willing to take that leap, then you are scared of commitment or don't really love that person. Which of course is bullshit.

As I've been writing this, I've questioned myself if marriage is that important in society still. If someone deviates from getting married, being "normal," then I applaud them. My friend is going through a tough divorce, and I'm happy for her. She was in a bad marriage. I highly doubt she'll get married again. She has become into her own. It's not she wasn't her own self before. Now she's not attached to anyone. Well, she is until her divorce is finalized, but she broke that bond that held her to him, and him to her. She embodies an effervescent independence. She's passionate about feminism and the history of women and their role in society. When you're married, then you don't define yourself any longer. It's you and your spouse that defines you. You are not your own person anymore. At least that's how I see it. Another friend is her own person and nobody has a claim on her. She does what she wants and who she wants, and she loves every minute of it. A beautiful woman who is fiercely independent. There is a special freedom to not be attached to anyone. Although I live at home right now and rather attached to my parents (attached in the sort of way that I live with them and dependent on them, which I loathe everyday, but it's much different), I still enjoy that freedom everyday.

So, which is it? Maybe both. Maybe neither. This is what I think I no.

Qué sera, sera

Again, it's been too long since I last wrote. I actually wrote a few drafts, but never finished them so I deleted them. I'm listening to the rain pour outside my window. I can't sleep, thinking about the essays I need to finish, other things I need to take care of. I think of friends, and friends that don't seem so much like friends anymore, or friends I used to have. What constitutes a friend? Someone you can rely on? I don't have very many of those. Someone you feel that you can call and talk to when you feel down, or up? I probably have even fewer of those. Someone to call spontaneously to go out for a drink? No. Everyone has their own thing going on, whatever that thing is. Usually a spouse and/or kids. Or they're not interested. Listen to me. What a mope! I daydream of when I will build my house. What the foyer will look like. The living room. The media room. The kitchen. The gym with mirrors on opposite walls to check my form while doing yoga or dancing. My master bedroom with a walk-in closet and 5 piece bathroom. My tranquility room that overlooks a garden and floor-to-ceiling windows. A library filled with my books and my Gramma's books. Some people have a detached garage. I want a detached bar so the smoke doesn't permeate the rest of the house. I think of having Sarah, and Steven, Fransheila, and Frances with me. What their rooms would look like. What our lives would be like living together, me raising them. Getting Sarah into the very best schools. Going to Steven's soccer practices. Taking care of the babies. Cooking them healthy, wholesome meals everyday, instead of the crap they live on now. Teaching them all things they won't learn in school, like how to balance a checkbook. Although that is kind of becoming passe. How to pay bills online. Sarah and I doing yoga together. Steven and I throwing a football to each other. Or vice versa. I'll have special areas for my cats; inside and out. Maybe have two or three, or four dogs. Gardens. Maybe even an alpaca or two and make yarn from their wool, and blankets and scarves and sweaters and socks from the yarn. Just sittin' in my rocking chair on the front porch knittin' me some socks. Turn into a country granny by the time I'm 40. And then there's my practice. Despite my dreams of living in the country (but not too far in the country), I still want to be an abortion psychologist. Even though I'm far from starting a practice, it gives me a sense of...peace...to help people, or to think of helping people in the future. To help women who really need it. Then, of course, I want to become more involved in abortion rights. I want to work with politicians to secure rights for all women in the country. Make it a damn amendment. I've thought of becoming a politician myself, but I want to be a psychologist more, and I don't know if I have the fortitude to be a politician. I hope to god the political environment is better ten years from now than it is today. What nut jobs. And pansies. It's a house (and senate) full of nut jobs and pansies. I think it's worse now than the fifties. I know how I want my future to turn out, but will it be anything like that? I guess it's up to me.

What is Women's Studies?

More than one person posed this question to me, and I've found it more difficult to answer than I thought. I first reply, "Well, we study women." Like, duh! I then get a blank expression, so I ramble about what I've done in my Women's Studies classes so far, and they seem to turn away with the same blank expression. Some people just don't see it as that important. I might as well be majoring in Liberal Studies, which was my first major, and nothing wrong with it, might I add. I've studied the different feminist movements, the intersectionalities of women of color (including Native American women naturally), different classes of women, lesbianism, patriarchy, biographies, women in the US and all over the world, have read articles written by women of each movement, women for and against feminism, lesbians, women of color (sometimes lesbians of color), scholars, activists, writers of all generations...there is just so much. Not only have I learned a lot about history in general (opposed to just history about women), but also about current issues that women still face. I originally thought I lived in a fairly egalitarian society, but quickly learned how wrong I was. It's proved difficult to create a relatively concise answer that stresses the importance of this subject and why it deserves more attention, and is a viable subject to study. I remember when I told Bill a few years ago that I wanted to major in Liberal Studies, and he called me a copout. He'd probably feel the same about Women's Studies. I thought (and still think) that people with a degree in Liberal studies were more well-rounded because they received a more well-rounded education, and had more options available to them in the work field, opposed to someone who studied only one subject. I actually read an article confirming my belief, and that employers actually preferred to hire people with a liberal studies degree. Then there are wonderful people like Paul who told me that this is important and there needs to be more women like me, and he wants his young daughters to look up to women like me. Bill can go fuck himself.

I've done all this writing and haven't gotten anywhere. Women's Studies is the study of women subjectively and objectively in regards to history, race, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, intersectionality, politics, patriarchy, marriage, motherhood, economics, profession, their varying oppressions, in the US and abroad, primarily by women of all different walks of life, including the color of their skin, their sexuality, their education, their class, their beliefs, their profession, and their generation. I'm sure I'm missing a thing or two, and think I can condense it. I also need to add so that we can understand their past and their current situation and oppressions for women as a whole and different social groups. It's not enough to just say you're studying it, but why you're studying it. Oh, I did forget one small thing. RIGHTS. Silly me. Women's Studies studies past and present women of all sexualities, colors, race, professions, classes, regions domestic and global, ethnicities, and their....no, no. Women's Studies studies women, dammit! It is a comprehensive objective and subjective study of past and present situations and movements of women as a whole in this country and worldwide and in certain social groups such as race, sexuality, and class, and in light of certain subjects such as rights, oppressions, feminism, and patriarchy to better understand history and current conditions of women and society, including oppressions women still face today, and how to eradicate those oppressions. I'm still not completely happy with it, but I'm getting there.

Safe!

 I know this probably sounds stupid, but sometimes I'm afraid of being too much. Of rising above the soft murmur of everyday life and openly take a stand on something - to be a leader. I feel safe as a soft-spoken follower who doesn't make waves regardless of whether I think changes need to be made or not. I think that Eve Ensler wrote something similar to this. Then I fantasize about being the tireless volunteer who fights for her convictions, and having a relationship with politicians who can actually make these come to fruition. Of stirring things up like in the '60s and '70s with the protests and marches and sit-ins. Of looking retribution in the eye and relentlessly push forward. But keeping my head low, keeping to myself, doing my own thing is safer. Besides, who has time for all that? I may have time right now, and maybe had time over the summer, but I start school in five weeks [add hint of sarcasm]. What if I really achieved that? What if I fail? Can I fail? Can little ol' me really make a difference? I was talking to a woman at that potluck who was an activist in the '70s, and she said she can't believe how complacent my generation is. Where are the leaders? Why don't people care? I gave her the usual rhetoric, that people are self-centered, caught up in their own lives, think those issues don't really affect them, etc. But what is really so different from 40 years ago? She said that someone needs to take a stand and motivate the young people. I felt like she was talking to me, and maybe she was. I wouldn't even know how to go about something like that. Could I get people to care in such an apathetic environment? Do I personally want to motivate people to care, and to do something about it? I really don't know the answer to that question.

"I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out." -Dolly Parton

Only the Lonely

Lately I've just been feeling so useless. I have gotten a lot of things done, but there is so much more I want to do, and the days just seem to slip away. I was ill last week, so I have that excuse...for last week. I finally checked into being an egg donor, and I don't qualify. I hoped it would be a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am and give my $5,000 tyvm, but it was too good to be true. Did you know an egg donor can't have had a tattoo done in the past year? That's not the only reason why I don't qualify. Should've known it was too good to be true. I like Fiona's rule from Burn Notice: "If something is too good to be true, you're supposed to shoot it just in case." I finally attempted to start my application for social security disability, but it said the preliminary info I sent them didn't match with their records. So, tomorrow I have to find out what that is about. There is just so much stuff that needs to be gone through and sold in this house. I daydream of what it would be like to just have the minimal in here. I often daydream of not living here at all. It's really beginning to wear on me. Carmen can be such a pain in the ass. Hovering, and smothering, and procrastinates until the very last minute. Hmm, sounds like someone I know. I almost typed "not the hovering and smothering part," but I would a lot more if I didn't restrain myself. I'm really anxious to hear what a friend thinks of our friendship that I wrote her a letter about (actually manually wrote it). But then, it may not be what I want to hear. I don't even know if she's gotten it yet. She is going through really hard times right now and has a lot on her plate, at least the last time we really talked over six months ago, so I want to give her space and just be there for her. Same with another friend. I really enjoy talking to her, but she's insanely busy, and there are times when I want to text her or email her about something, but I try to stop myself from doing it too much because I don't want to become annoying and push her away. I sent her an email that I have coupons for movie tickets, so if she has time and wants to see a movie, to let me know. I really hope she took it as that and me not trying to press her to do something, because that's what I really meant. Not to press her to do something, but what I told her - to just let me know. Yeah, I want to hang out with her, but I understand she's just not in that space right now with her work life and personal life. And then there's my "bff." I don't know what to do about her. I feel like these past months she's just trampled all over me, but then I question if I'm being too sensitive, or if I'm in the wrong. I don't think so. I talk to someone I really consider to be my best friend about 4-5 days a week, but sometimes our conversations are cut short and we can never see each other. I have a friend in Florida, but we only chat on FB and it's not exactly convenient, or even feasible, for either one of us to pick up and go see the other. I still immensely enjoy our conversations. There's my sister, but she works full time and has two young children. Enough said. I've tried to reach out to other people, but they don't always seem to be in the reaching mood. They're busy. They have other people in their life, other things going on. I get it. I feel so lonely, but I want my space at the same time. I need my space from my parents, but want to be close to someone else. Someone that I don't have to worry about being a burden on them all the time; constantly checking myself, but someone that I can also have my space from. I want a relationship, but not the commitment. I sound like a man. Someone to be with once in a while, someone I feel I can call, and I want to be there for them, but someone I don't feel obligated to. Is what I want having my cake and eating it too?

Where is the love?

I just started to bitch to my friend about the stupidity of people, but instead I decided to save her from that and rant and rave on my blog. People have the right to their own opinions and beliefs. However, those opinions can be so ignorant, short-sighted, and narrow-minded. I recently signed a FB petition to designate the Arctic Refuge as a national monument. Being a lover of nature, I think it is highly important to save as much of it as possible before it's all mowed down by big stinky machines to make way for more box houses and strip malls. My cousin ridiculed me for it because he thinks it would be a waste of resources and jobs. Is he really that selfish? Oh god, what would we do without granite countertops? I don't even know if there's granite there; I'm assuming there is, but I think you get the point. Even if we tapped into that, the tap will run dry someday - whether it's oil, or stone to make counters and floors for the rich, or timber. There's not an unlimited supply of that. Haven't people learned yet? Climate change? Oh wait, that's a scam, a bogus theory, a lie. What about the oil spill, huh? What about the 11 human lives that were lost, the countless human lives that were affected, the loss of sea life and nature? What we do to nature we also do to ourselves. Don't forget that the Louisiana wetlands lose about the area of a football field a day because of human interference. I see humans in general as disgusting, despicable creatures. There are some beautiful humans I know; beautiful physically, intelligently, and/or spiritually. Unfortunately, they don't make up for the rest of the damage humans caused. I told my cousin that every animal has as much right to be on this earth than any human. He'll probably read that and think, "Tree-huggin' hippy." That is fine by me. I'd rather be that than a short-sighted, selfish destructor of life that only sees what nature has to offer for my benefit. I don't understand how people do not care. It's that lack of caring that got us here.