Only the Lonely

Lately I've just been feeling so useless. I have gotten a lot of things done, but there is so much more I want to do, and the days just seem to slip away. I was ill last week, so I have that excuse...for last week. I finally checked into being an egg donor, and I don't qualify. I hoped it would be a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am and give my $5,000 tyvm, but it was too good to be true. Did you know an egg donor can't have had a tattoo done in the past year? That's not the only reason why I don't qualify. Should've known it was too good to be true. I like Fiona's rule from Burn Notice: "If something is too good to be true, you're supposed to shoot it just in case." I finally attempted to start my application for social security disability, but it said the preliminary info I sent them didn't match with their records. So, tomorrow I have to find out what that is about. There is just so much stuff that needs to be gone through and sold in this house. I daydream of what it would be like to just have the minimal in here. I often daydream of not living here at all. It's really beginning to wear on me. Carmen can be such a pain in the ass. Hovering, and smothering, and procrastinates until the very last minute. Hmm, sounds like someone I know. I almost typed "not the hovering and smothering part," but I would a lot more if I didn't restrain myself. I'm really anxious to hear what a friend thinks of our friendship that I wrote her a letter about (actually manually wrote it). But then, it may not be what I want to hear. I don't even know if she's gotten it yet. She is going through really hard times right now and has a lot on her plate, at least the last time we really talked over six months ago, so I want to give her space and just be there for her. Same with another friend. I really enjoy talking to her, but she's insanely busy, and there are times when I want to text her or email her about something, but I try to stop myself from doing it too much because I don't want to become annoying and push her away. I sent her an email that I have coupons for movie tickets, so if she has time and wants to see a movie, to let me know. I really hope she took it as that and me not trying to press her to do something, because that's what I really meant. Not to press her to do something, but what I told her - to just let me know. Yeah, I want to hang out with her, but I understand she's just not in that space right now with her work life and personal life. And then there's my "bff." I don't know what to do about her. I feel like these past months she's just trampled all over me, but then I question if I'm being too sensitive, or if I'm in the wrong. I don't think so. I talk to someone I really consider to be my best friend about 4-5 days a week, but sometimes our conversations are cut short and we can never see each other. I have a friend in Florida, but we only chat on FB and it's not exactly convenient, or even feasible, for either one of us to pick up and go see the other. I still immensely enjoy our conversations. There's my sister, but she works full time and has two young children. Enough said. I've tried to reach out to other people, but they don't always seem to be in the reaching mood. They're busy. They have other people in their life, other things going on. I get it. I feel so lonely, but I want my space at the same time. I need my space from my parents, but want to be close to someone else. Someone that I don't have to worry about being a burden on them all the time; constantly checking myself, but someone that I can also have my space from. I want a relationship, but not the commitment. I sound like a man. Someone to be with once in a while, someone I feel I can call, and I want to be there for them, but someone I don't feel obligated to. Is what I want having my cake and eating it too?

Rainbows

It's been nearly three weeks since my last entry; an unprecedented length of time. A lot has been going on, and nothing has been going on. Just busy with the usual humdrum life. I also haven't felt much like writing. My blog turned into more of a diary than my original intention, not that it matters much. I think there are only two people who read this.

I thought of different topics, or theses, for an English paper on Mrs. Dalloway. I didn't realize the intricate detail that Woolf wove into this novel, which makes it not just a good read, but a work of genius. A book I want to read again, when I have the time. She involves many different kinds of relationships between a husband and wife, and a couple about to get married. I'm not sure if any of it reflects her own marriage, but it's a distinct possibility. One of her characters commits suicide because of PTSD from the war, which his wife had difficulty dealing with, and she commits suicide 16 years after the book is published because of mental problems and she didn't want to be a burden on her husband. We always think we know what's best.

I am happy to say that this is my first entry on my new computer. I decided to splurge and buy a macbook. So far I love it, but I've had it for less than a week. It was worth it.

I still haven't spoken to my friend. Another friend suggested that I ask her out to coffee so we can talk, but I honestly don't know what to say to her. She's waiting for me to "heal," which will take a long time to happen, if it does, but I don't want to lose her friendship. When I don't hear from or lose so many friends, I wonder if it has something to do with me. One relationship obviously had to do with me. The others....I think people get busy, but if they really care, can't they afford a 5 min. call, or send a quick email? But then we get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget or think we'll do it later. I was going to see my gramma and call my aunt today, but I failed to do both of those. I was working on homework. It's not as important as them though. But it won't affect my grade if I don't see or talk to them. There's tomorrow, right?

The other day on my walk I saw a beautiful rainbow. I kept it in sight as long as possible. The end didn't look too far from my house, and I was tempted to see find it, but knew I wouldn't. It was probably 3 miles away anyway. When there's a rainbow reaching across the sky, or a beautiful sunrise or sunset, I don't understand how people don't just stop and stare - why there aren't more wrecks because people are gazing at something pure and beautiful and not paying attention to what they're doing. I didn't stop because I didn't want to be seen as weird or creepy, just standing there looking at a sunrise or the rainbow. It's one of those things that make me feel present in life. Not just my life, but life in general. I feel the here and now. How often do we get to do that?

"Watch the sun as we go by, throwin' colors off the water sky, thinkin' about the rainbows in my baby's eyes." Country Joe and The Fish