Am I a prude?

Sometimes I think I'm going to grow into an old spinster. Sometimes I feel like an old spinster. I seem to find fault with any guy who isn't Diego, except for one, but I won't go there right now. And it's not like there's been that many in the past few years. Certainly not like when I was 17. There was a guy at this bar I went to, but decided I really wasn't that interested. He said something that put me off, and I don't even remember what it is. My sister said I should give him a try, but I'm just not interested. And we were all pretty schnockered. Especially my parents, of course. That's when I walked home from the casino, where the bar was. Selina said that I should give him a chance, and take alcohol into account.

Then there was Jason, that I used to work with. I had a huge crush on him and we flirted shamelessly in the office, but I was going out with Joe. We ran into each other at a speed dating event, of all things! Have I already told this story? Well, anyway, after some talking, I realized that he was totally self-absorbed and expected me to make all the effort, so I literally told him to fuck off and that was the end of that.

Last Saturday was my best friend's birthday party. The last of us were pretty drunk. An old flame of hers was there, and we talked a bit throughout the evening. One time we were alone in a room, and he tried to kiss me! It was like, "Whoa, buddy. Not so fast." It's not like Christina would care. She even said that maybe he and I would get really drunk and make out, but I like to think that I'm better than making out with this guy in my best friend's house at her birthday party. I like to think of it as self-respect, but maybe I'm being too prudish. I'm not attracted to him, and it turned me off that he would do that to a friend and old flame of his. He also currently lives on his parents' couch and he's in his 30's. That doesn't mean that I can't have a little fun with him, but I'm just not interested.

Now there's this guy who found me on FB, who was basically a fuck buddy in my college days at EdCC, Mike. Earlier this week he said he wanted to get together in the next few days to go to a movie and dinner, but then he never set up a time (typical male). So, I texted him asking him what he was up to. He said, "Too bad you don't have a car or I'd invite you over for movies." Somehow that put me off. Then I remembered that he lives an hour away, and that really put me off, that he expects I'm going to drive an hour to see him for some movies, and then drive home? It may be the next morning, but that's beside the point. I asked if he could meet half way to see a movie (like he suggested), but his roommate, Jen, rented a movie and got dinner, so he was busy. That also put me off. A while later he sent, "You should come down and give me a massage, lol. I could really use one." Now, I realize that this was a joke, but it still totally turned me off. Like I'm going to drive an hour to give your ass a massage? I'm also a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm a good 45-50 lbs heavier than the last time he saw me, and may be totally turned off by my fat.

Am I being too defensive? Will I become an old spinster who lives with her cats? Speaking of which, this is a picture of Pearl & Presley. I realized that I will probably have them until I'm in my mid-forties, which is a sobering thought. I don't really want to have more than two cats at once, so I won't be able to adopt any for probably 20 years. But I love them and will be happy with them. I just would like to save more kitties, but I have to think of the kitties I already have.

As I was just finishing this, Christina called to tell me she got officially engaged tonight. Now that I focus on being alone...I feel....lonely....

Rain drops keep falling on my head...

The rain was too irresistable. It beckoned me to come out and play. I walked to a nearby park that's heavily wooded and there's a pond in the middle. It was beautiful and serene. As I walked down to the pond a great blue heron flew from its perch and across the pond. I had the park to myself, along with the ducks. I eventually took my coat off and left it on a bench as I watched for more herons, standing in the rain. I walked down a path I don't remember being there before. I hadn't been to that part of the park for quite a few years. I've only walked through it a couple times since I moved in with my parents, and it's been years since I've been there before that. It took me to Main Street, which is good to know. When I walked back, I decided to climb up this hill. It was all so beautiful. I don't know what else to call it. The rain felt so cleansing and refreshing. I stepped over logs and branches, looking at toadstools. I carried my coat in my arm the whole time. I wanted to take off my socks and shoes to feel the moist earth beneath my feet. I would go barefoot all the time if I could. I felt the strings of societal norm pulling at my conscience so I left them on. I went to the very top of the hill where I ran into fences and the backs of houses. I turned to walk down and noticed to my side a condom. Gross, yes, but reminded me of times that I had sex in the woods. I really wanted to make love in the woods, all wet and muddy.

Kind of like sex. Wet and muddy and dirty, and wonderful!

The feel of the rain is very sensual. I at least wanted to get naked and run through the woods! but I was afraid someone would be walking by or someone would see me from their house. That might be a little embarrassing. I finally returned to the main trail and strolled out of the park. I came to the street to turn on to take me home, but by that time it was really raining and I couldn't leave just yet, so I kept walking straight to go in the opposite entrance. I still had my coat in my hand and felt a little silly, but the rain felt so good and I didn't want to care what anybody else thought.

"Who is that strange girl walking in this horrible, wet weather carrying her coat in her arm?"

A bunch of cars passed me and I quickly ducked into the safety of the trees. This trail had lots of puddles. The first one I came across I took a running jump and landed right in the middle! Water shot up everywhere. My jeans were thoroughly soaked from my knees down. I did the same on the next one, and the next one, and the one after that. I don't even remember the last time I splashed in a puddle, or even if I ever splashed in a puddle. I was the girly girl type - dresses and patent leather shoes. Carmen didn't let me play, or even walk in the rain. I feel sorry for kids who never get to play in the rain.

What a pleasure of life!

I left the park and was really walking home this time. My soaked shirt clung to my body. I was thanking Mother Nature for Her tears that showered on me, but then I thought maybe it's not Her tears at all. Maybe it's Her sweat. If I had Her job, I'd be sweating too. I wished I thought to take off my bra. One piece of bondage I could relieve myself from that's unnoticeable from a distance. I think bras definitely have their purpose, but can feel like, well, bondage. As I approached the house, I zipped up my coat and pulled the hood over my head to avoid questions of why I was soaked to the bone. Once in my room, I peeled off layers of wet clothing and slipped into comfy pajamas, regardless that it wasn't even one. Only I know about my special walk in the rain.

"Rain showers my spirit and waters my soul." ~Emily Logan Decens