Horse and Carriage

Lake Quinault, one of my favorite places

From the encouragement of a friend, I decided to finally start writing in my blog again. I took such a long sabbatical on account of school, and other pressing matters, but mostly school. I've been writing a theory paper for what seems like a year for a women's studies class. I picked the subject of the impact of Eurocentric capitalist patriarchy on the Native American woman. Interesting, yes. Theoretical, not so much. But I was too stubborn to pick another topic (a taurus thru and thru), and wanted to write on a topic close to my heart. I liked it because it is challenging, and a topic I doubted other students would write about. At least in my class. Even as I attempt to free-write now, I come to an impasse about what specifically my theory is, which was rather stupid of me to try to write a theory paper without knowing what my theory is; just a vague subject. My teacher tried to warn me more than once, but I obviously didn't heed them; determined to write about this matter - that I could do it.

Over these last months, I reflected on my conceptions of marriage and motherhood in relation to the patriarchal ideologies of these matters. I decided that I don't want to marry anyone (except maybe myself) or have children (of my own at least). Maybe I stated this in a previous post. I even want to sell my eggs if i can. That brings in quite a few bucks. Yes, I think the world is overpopulated as it is, but if there's a woman out there that really wants a baby and she's infertile, and I can help, it would make me happy to make that dream a reality for her. And also for the money. Marriage is only to support patriarchy. Or was I should say. I think many marriages enjoy an egalitarian relationship. However, it was instituted in the name of patriarchy, that women must be taken care of. It ensured her a future of domesticity while the man went out to earn the money and had other opportunities. He had a sense of the world. That made her totally dependent on him. I feel like I would be doing what I'm supposed to do, which the rebellious side of me pushes back against. I wouldn't be opposed to marriage if I fell in love with someone and wanted to commit myself to that person for the rest of my life. But again, I have my convictions of marriage. I'm more happy to hear about divorces than marriages. I know far more many that haven't worked out than had. However, I don't hold any contempt for people who do get married or want to get married. Right now, I don't feel that I need it to show, or prove, my love with a marriage to anyone. It just seems that not long ago I wanted what many young women want, a heterosexual marriage and children. Not anymore. When I said I didn't want children of my own, it's because I may want to be a foster parent, if I have the strength, conviction, and money (and energy). I wish I could start with children in my own family. Little Sarah, Stephen, Fransheila, and Frances - Allien's kids. My worthless cousin in Alaska whose own mother told my family that she's a drug addict, and I think she sells as well. She's been to jail a few times. Stephen's father has custody of him, but my uncle thinks that he hits him and neglects him, such as not feeding him enough, or at all. If I had the means, then I know those babies would get a good education, good healthcare, love, attention, support, and encouragement with me. Sarah (9) and Stephen (7 or 8) aren't exactly babies, but they still are. Fransheila is only 18 mos. and Frances is a little baby. From the brief time I spent with Sarah, she's shown much more maturity, sense of responsibility, compassion, and thoughtfulness that would never dawn on her mother. And she knows her mother, how she is. She's also smart as a whip. I don't know why a whip is smart, but that's how the saying goes. She's always excelled in school. I want her to realize her full potential and have opportunities. I also want her away from her mother, in fear that in a few years she will start down that path, as Allien went down her mother's path. I don't need to have my own children when so many out there need a compassionate loving guardian who's not afraid to show tough love. That's what scares me about being a foster parent. I want to work with teenagers; the ones who need the most help. The ones that have been shipped from home to home with no sense of security and trust. The jaded ones. I want to be that person they can learn to trust and have a permanent home with me. That I'll be there for them when they do stupid shit, which is almost inevitable, and not ship them away again. But then I can't trust them myself. At least not in the beginning. I'd be afraid of them stealing my grandmother's wedding ring to pawn for drugs. My older cousin, Stephen, was in numerous foster homes where he was abused until he was 12 and landed himself in juvie, and hadn't really been out since. He's about 30 now. I haven't seen him in years. I keep promising myself that I will find him, a promise so far I've failed to keep. I always have so much to do. That's an excuse, not a reason. I want him to know that not all of his family gave up on him. Fred, his step-father who adopted him, my mother's brother, died 5 yrs ago, and that's all Steve had. Fred had nothing to do with him being in foster homes, and horrors his mother put him through. Fred loved him.

Next topic, I said I'd marry myself. Of course I want my dream wedding. But it would be my wedding with my friends where I want to have it (Lake Quinault). No wonder women so much look forward to their wedding day. A big party for you (and the person you're marrying), with a new dress, new jewelry (not from the street fair), and a nice trip afterwards! One on hand, marrying myself is still marrying, even though it isn't the conventional marriage. On the other hand, I see it as committing to yourself what you commit to your partner - to always be there for yourself, through sickness and in health. As I said before, you are the only person you can really count on when it comes to it. You can't count on other people, no matter how much you love them and think they love you. Christina, my "best friend," married earlier this month. Her cousin married the month before. This past Sunday I visited my friend in the hospital who was preparing for the birth of her 2nd child. I, being the only non-mother, sat for a few hours in the room listening to her, her sister-in-law, mother-in-law, her aunt, and her mother talk about pregnancy, labor, delivery, and the first precious few years of motherhood. But of course, they were awaiting the arrival of the newest family member. One on hand, I wished I had something to share, but none were my experiences. I did briefly talk about my own birth, from what I've been told. At times like these I wonder if I'm missing out. Or is it upbringing and society that enforces this ideal of motherhood that women fall into? I think it's a choice to marry more than it ever has been, however I think it's still encouraged by media and society itself. I also think that it is natural - apart from societal influence - to want a baby. Instinct maybe? To want to procreate, when you get down to our animalistic attributes. The females in any species I know of share that same goal, for the survival of their species, whether this enters into a woman's mind or not. I've actually contemplated having a child with a full blood Native to do my part in raising the Native population. But that would be the only reason. S/he would at least be 3/4 Native. Did you know that in 2008, Natives represented 1.5% of the total population in the US? I'd like to help with that. I also think it's natural for people to not want children. Actually, that also happens in the wild kingdom, or the zoo kingdom - of mothers abandoning their young. So, obviously, we're not all different from them.

Sittin' Up In My Room

I sit and watch my disheveled room, wondering if I should try to do something about it or try to get more sleep before I have to get up...again. I need to go to the herb store to get Melatonin. I hope that will help, rather than taking seroquel, which still hasn't apparently been approved by DSHS anyway. That drug scares me. My doctor said it can cause involuntary movement. I'm very interested in trying alternative "medicine", such as hypnosis, acupuncture, massage therapy, yoga, meditation...I don't think I can be still enough to meditate, at least mentally. I've even heard that shock therapy can alleviate depression (no, I wasn't reading a 1950's article), so I'd even be willing to give that a try, as long as it's just a few sessions and not a long-term process. I imagine that would damage the brain, tho I know Rachel wouldn't put me in any kind of danger. Speaking of which, I haven't even started her baby blanket and she's due in two months. It may seem like quite a while yet, but I'm about a quarter of the way done with the one I'm working on now, and I've worked on it for six months! It's more difficult with my shoulder problems, but still. I promised Kimi I'd have it done for Paige by the time it got cold. Maybe I'll work on that now, since I woke up about 2 and haven't felt like sleeping yet. I'm determined to get it done though, even if I give it to Paige as a high school graduation present. I often wonder when I look around me, regardless of my surroundings, if it's all real, or, referring to my "random question" on my profile, if all we see or seem is but a dream, maybe even within a dream? When I think of the 100 year question and what anything anyone does or says, everything seems so insignificant. To answer the 100 year question, I believe my education is important. That is something I will have for the rest of my life that no one can take away from me, and something for me to pass on to my grandchildren to hopefully pass on to theirs (assuming that someday I'll have grandchildren). Not literally my education of course, since the only tangible thing would be my brain, and that would be gross, but to pass on that their grandma and great-great grandma was the first person on her mother's side to go to a university. I guess I feel that's important because of what my great grandmother, Emma Amanda, means to me though she died years before I was born. I always heard great things about her and she seemed larger than life. She had an immaculate garden, she was a fabulous cook, she crocheted, knitted, painted, and made pottery. My great grandpa, Otto, built a little shed for her in the backyard that housed a pottery wheel and a kiln. She was truly an artist. She made sachets out of lavender my grandmother still has (the picture was taken in Sequim, but not by me). She canned everything and filled her pantry throughout the summer in preparation for winter. Of course in those days, everyone did that. I did help my parents make pickles this year. I want to be much more like Gramma Emma. I'm guessing that she would be around 115 if she were still alive. But I also want to serve other people in my life. However, not necessarily that my whole life be one of service, but I want to help people who need it. I do volunteer for Equal Rights Washington (tho I havent much since I started school), I called today about volunteering for Volunteer Chore Services, which you are assigned an elderly person who still lives in their house but has trouble doing all their chores. If they can't keep up their house then it will probably be taken away from them. I found out about it through my psych class, where I have to do some type of volunteer service to fill a requirement and the students have to pick from a list. This is something I really want to do anyway. I would like to spend more time at Richmond Beach Rehab, where my grandma is, to one, see my grandma more often, and two, to spend a little more time with the other people there. Some of them hardly ever or never have visitors. My parents and I want to spend Thanksgiving at a food bank or soup kitchen this year; somewhere where they serve dinner to the poor and homeless. We can always record the football games ( ; A life of service and art sounds like a good life to me.

"Principles for the Development of a Complete Mind: Study the science of art. Study the art of science. Develop your senses - especially learn how to see. Realise that everything connects to everything else." Leonardo DaVinci